Letter from a Concerned Observer

Dear Mr. James Rat Esq.,

I just wanted to thank you for leaving hundreds of pounds of weights on the gym equipment day after day.  I really appreciate the amount of effort required to put those onerous discs into position.  Thank you for leaving them there for the next brute to come along and do two reps.  You are as considerate as your sleeves are long.  My only regret is that you and I will not long be fellow travelers on this terraqueous sphere, as your poor small heart will no doubt fail under the pressure of providing blood to the far reaches of that grotesque configuration of muscles you call a body.

Sincerely,

Humanity

Flash Fiction

I recently entered a flash fiction contest (fiction under 100 words) and I was selected as one of five finalists.  I didn't win the final round, but it was a good first go.  Check out the podcast next month to hear the story read aloud by someone else.  Here's my entry:

Our Heritage

Enrolled as continuing education students, Brigham Young and Karl Maeser are summoned to the Honor Code office.  Brigham is lectured to about integrity and faces probation.  Karl was detained by a previous commitment.  

There's my story in all its glory.

Word of the Day

execrable |ˈeksikrəbəl|adjectiveextremely bad or unpleasant : execrable cheap wine.

Places to Eat (or not)

One nice thing about living in Provo is the wide selection of restaurants that are constantly opening and closing and reopening.  I like to try out new places, and I figured that I should share my opinion with you, my three faithful readers.  Here's the rundown:

1) Ultimate Broiler and Grill: Greek Food- I love this place.  There is perhaps nothing better than reconstituted lamb slow-roasted by electric heating elements and then served in gyro form.  Geoff and I stumbled upon this place over the winter and ate there almost every week.  The place is never that busy so we think that we single-mouthedly have kept the place in business.  As far as I know it's the only Greek place in Provo/Orem, so if you need your fix it's the place to go.  I'm sure most of the food is pretty good, but I've only ever ordered the gyro and I want nothing else.  The restaurant is located on the east side of State St. in Orem just north of the library.  Go there now.

2) Poor Boys Barbeque- These guys opened up a while back in the space of the former Smart Cookie just southeast of campus.  It's one of those places that only has one menu item in three sizes.  The item is the pulled pork sandwich.  Since that is my favorite form of pork, I was pretty excited, but it was only okay.  I think they're trying to be the new J-Dawgs.  I can't fully endorse this establishment, but it's worth a shot.  

3) Ninja Express- Do not be deceived: it's a chinese restaurant.  I think that the whole ninja thing is either an attempt to cash in on the perceived college student 80s-throwback-fascination with ninjas, or an attempt to highlight how speedy their delivery is (yes, they deliver).  Now, simply from the location, you know that this place probably won't be around long.  It's on the second floor of the building that houses the Thai Ruby, a space that has been occupied by such failed ventures as El Azteca, Gold Medal Pizza, and the Mitt Romney campaign.  I decided to dine in, lest I have to tip the delivery guy.  I could go into extreme detail about why I don't like this place, but I won't.  Suffice it to say that a)they don't serve any appetizer-type food (i.e. no egg rolls, no pot-stickers), b) the entree was tiny and the sauce and veggies tasted canned, c) the combo cost me $8.  The only highlight was the juice drink that had real fruit in it.  That was it.  Stick with Panda Express.  There hasn't been awesome chinese food in Provo since Munchies closed.  Final verdict: you wouldn't want to eat there.

Word of the Day

aleatory |ˈālēəˌtôrē; ˈal-|adjectivedepending on the throw of a die or on chance; random.• relating to or denoting music or other forms of art involving elements of random choice (sometimes using statistical or computertechniques) during their composition, production, or performance.

Word of the Day

harridan |ˈharidn|nouna strict, bossy, or belligerent old woman : a bullying old harridan.

Word of the Day

persiflage |ˈpərsəˌflä zh |noun formallight and slightly contemptuous mockery or banter.

More from the Gospel of Peter and Molly

This gospel that I have discovered seems to be yielding more and more surprises.  Firstly, upon closer analysis the two main interlocutors in the logia are identified as Peter and Molly.  As far as I know, Molly is mentioned nowhere else in the Jewish/Christian corpus; be it canonical, apocryphal, or pseudepigraphic.  It even seems like the Peter here is not the Apostle, but someone else entirely.  Given this information I feel compelled to call this new gospel "The Gospel of Peter and Molly".  I hope you all approve.  Secondly, it would appear that this text is not merely a collection of sayings, but also includes a few narrative vignettes.  These brief accounts generally portray conversations that Jesus has with figures other than Peter and Molly.  Although these portions differ somewhat from the other sayings I have numbered them among the logia for the sake of continuity.  The logion that I'm sharing with you today has some very striking similarities with Mark 10:17-22, even matching the text exactly in some places.

Logion 3: "And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?  And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God.  Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Honor thy father and mother.  And he answered and said unto him, Master, all these things have I observed from my youth.  Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, acquire great riches, buy a boat for thyself and fine clothing for thy wife: and come, let me borrow thy horse when I need to make long journeys.  And he was happy at that saying, and went away rejoicing: for his father-in-law had an excellent job waiting for him."

Enlightening!

Word of the Day

epigone |ˈepiˌgōn|noun ( pl. epigones |ˈepiˌgōnz| or epigoni |iˈpigəˌnī|)a less distinguished follower or imitator of someone, esp. an artist or philosopher : the epigone's habit of exaggerating his master's voice.

Word of the Day

strake |strāk|noun1 a continuous line of planking or plates from the stem to the stern of a ship or boat.2 a protruding ridge fitted to an aircraft or other structure to improveaerodynamic stability.ORIGIN Middle English : from Anglo-Latin stracus, straca; probably from the Germanic base of the verb stretch .

New Gospel Discovered!

As you, the three readers of this blog, are aware, I am involved in research of the NT and related topics.  Well, during one of my forays into BYU's special collections vault I came across a very old and yet unpublished manuscript written in an obscure Utardic dialect.  It contains a number of sayings of Jesus (see Gospel of Thomas) that I believe are particularly interesting to an LDS audience.  The text has no title to speak of, so in the edition that I will publish it will be called "The Gospel of the Mormons".  Here is one of the logia that I have translated most recently.

Logion 32:  "Peter said to Jesus: 'Lord, how are we to overcome our enemies and receive the inheritance laid aside for us?'  Jesus answered: 'I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.'"

As you can see, there are some serious doctrinal implications.  More to come...

Word of the Day

Gibbon never disappoints.

demesne |diˈmān|noun historical1 land attached to a manor and retained for the owner's own use.• the lands of an estate.• archaic a region or domain : she may one day queen it over that fair demesne.2 historical Law possession of real property in one's own right.PHRASESheld in demesne (of an estate) occupied by the owner, not by tenants.ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French demeine (later Anglo-Norman French demesne) ‘belonging to a lord,’ from Latindominicus, from dominus ‘lord, master.’ Compare with domain .

Word of the Day

Hegira |hiˈjīrə; ˈhejərə| (also Hejira or Hijra |ˈhijrə|)nounMuhammad's departure from Mecca to Medina in ad 622, prompted by the opposition of the merchants of Mecca and marking the consolidation of the first Muslim community.• the Muslim era reckoned from this date : the second century of the Hegira. See also AH .• ( hegira) an exodus or migration.ORIGIN via medieval Latin from Arabic hijra ‘departure,’ from hajara‘emigrate.’

Hike #6 - Cascade Saddle Redux

Bright and early on the 4th of July some friends and I hiked to Cascade Saddle.  Last year I hiked to the same destination, but started at Rock Canyon.  This time we started at the Big Springs trailhead in the south fork of Provo Canyon.  I'm not exactly sure how long the hike is.  The various sources I've checked seem to disagree, but it's somewhere between 9 and 12 miles roundtrip.  The trail starts off easy enough, but before long it gets steep and rocky.  However, there was plenty of shade along the way.  Once you get to the top there's a nice view of the valley as well as some of the other nearby peaks.  You can also hike along the ridges to the north or south, but there aren't really any trails.  

Words of the Day

exiguous |igˈzigyoōəs; ikˈsig-|adjective formalvery small in size or amount : my exiguous musical resources.
desuetude |ˈdeswiˌt(y)oōd|noun formala state of disuse : the docks fell into desuetude.

Words of the Day

I've got two of them for you today:

ratiocinate |ˌratēˈōsəˌnāt; ˌra sh ē-|verb [ intrans. ] formalform judgments by a process of logic; reason.
opprobrious |əˈprōbrēəs|adjective(of language) expressing opprobrium.• disgraceful; shameful : their opprobrious conduct.

Word of the Day

bowdlerize |ˈbōdləˌrīz; ˈboud-|verb [ trans. ]remove material that is considered improper or offensive from (a text oraccount), esp. with the result that it becomes weaker or less effective :[as adj. ] ( bowdlerized) a bowdlerized version of the story.
ORIGIN mid 19th cent.: from the name of Dr. Thomas Bowdler (1754–1825), who published an expurgated edition of Shakespeare in 1818, + -ize .

Word of the Day

I come across a lot of interesting words in the course of my work.  Here's one I found today:

banausic |bəˈnôzik; -sik|adjective formalnot operating on a refined or elevated level; mundane.• relating to technical work.

Hike #5 - Squaw Peak

In an effort to recoup the weekend that was originally dedicated to the aforementioned 

Emerald lakes trip, my friend Kelsey and I decided to hike to Squaw Peak on Saturday morning.  Squaw Peak is the prominent point found on the north side of the entrance to Rock Canyon.  The trail is steep but well-traveled.  Just start hiking up Rock Canyon until the trail forks then take the trail on the left.  It's the one with the clever name: Squaw Peak Trail.  We've had a wet and rather mild spring, so the wild flowers/weeds are all in bloom.  The view from the top would be quite impressive if it overlooked something other than Utah valley.  Oh well.  If you're looking for a fairly short, somewhat difficult hike with a pretty good view, I recommend Squaw Peak.

Hike #4 - Emerald Lakes

Yesterday a small group of Provo-dwellers and I set off to camp at Emerald lakes.  We didn't make it.  To be perfectly honest, June is a bit early to be trying to climb 2/3rds of the way up the back of Mt. Timpanogos, but the organizers of the trip seemed optimistic.  That should have been a sign.  I would have done things differently, but that is neither here nor there.  Normally, I wouldn't post about a colossally failed hiking excursion, but the fact that it was an actual backpacking trip gone awry makes it blogworthy.  Lugging a 40 lb pack 2 miles up a mountain only to turn back tends to sharpen the cyber-quill of indignation.  But, we are planning to try again in a month or so, so I will hold my tongue for the time being.

Hike #3 - Skookum Flats

Last month I went home to Washington to visit my dad and we went on a nice little hike along the White River.  The trail is called the Skookum Flats Trail.  

The trailhead is just off of highway 410 about 25 miles east of Enumclaw.  It's easy to find, just look for the small parking lot full of vans from local senior centers.  It's a great trail if you're looking for a leisurely way to enjoy beautiful scenic western Washington: God's greatest creation.  About 2 miles up there are a pair of waterfalls that are quite a sight and can be reached by a side trail.  That's as far as we went.

Hike #2: Zion NP

Last month some friends and I went down to Zion NP to do some hiking.  The main attraction was Angels Landing, which is a hike that should only be attempted by the following: the brave, the stupid, mountain goats.  I neglect the suicidal only because one shouldn't have to hike to one's own death when the elevator in a tall building will do just nicely.  (Fun fact: Angels Landing gets its name from the local legend that it was this very promontory upon which Lucifer and his angels landed after being cast out of heaven.  True story.)  

According to l'internet, the hike to Angels Landing is 2.5 miles long with an elevation gain of 1,500 ft.  Due to the popularity of the trail, it is paved nearly the entire way.  The paved trail stops only where the scramble over slick-rock begins with a chain as the sole guide.  From here on hikers move forward clinging desperately to the chain, goaded on by only their personal demons (or the person behind them) like so many panderers and seducers in the 8th ring of Dante's Hell.  The first bit of chain stops at a relatively flat and safe landing which serves as a refuge for those who are brave (stupid, goatish) enough to go that far, but not brave (stupid, goatish) enough to continue.  I fall into this category, and within minutes of having refused to climb further I formed the Angels Landing chapter of Acrophobics Anonymous.  I will not attempt to describe the rest of the hike to you, because I did not go.  Nor will I relate the accounts told to me by those who have actually reached the top, because they cannot be trusted.  No.  You see, no truly rational human (or goat) has ever made it to the top, and therefore, there is no truly reliable account.  

The next hike we did seemed to be popular among seniors and foreigners alike: Weeping Rock.  This isn't so much a hike as it is a 5 minute stroll up a paved path to the only cool place in all the canyon.  It is essentially a spring that seeps its ancient water out through an overhang providing a refreshing coolness that is rivalled only by the misters in the produce section of your local grocery.  There wasn't much to see here, so we moved on.

Our final hike was to Hidden Canyon.  This very steep 2.2 mile roundtrip hike is enough to make even the whitest of persons ask himself: "What's so great about hiking again?"  

Most of the trail is a seemingly interminable series of switchbacks that have the mystical property of always facing the sun.  Our old friend, the chain, reappears toward the end of the trail to aid you as you pass 50 teenage girls on a narrow ledge.  The trail ends at a dry creekbed.  That's it.  Seriously.  The word on the street is that you can continue along the creekbed until you reach a sandstone arch, but they've got a different national park full of those.  

Sic transit my trip to Zion.